i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
