He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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