The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
