dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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