I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We don't watch enough power rangers
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
