I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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