You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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