He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
