Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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