Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
