I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
