i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
