I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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