and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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