It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
