My room smells like vodka and shame
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
as a side note pls kill me
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
