now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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