Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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