i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We have started to decorate penises.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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