why didn't you poke me back
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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