No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Farmville is her only friend.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
