On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My vagina just recognized that song.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
