I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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