Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
