you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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