So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
