I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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