This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
