he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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