If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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