Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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