rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
