I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
