Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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