I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
