Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
