the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
