I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
