I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
