Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I AM VODKA MAN
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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