it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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