I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
