I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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