i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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