My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
