Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
