2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
