He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
