A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
