Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
