i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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